Friday, November 21, 2008

Do these babies make me look fat?

The answer, apparently, is yes.

Look, I understand that there is an "old school" philosophy about being pregnant- that it's something that should be hidden and covered up. I am aware that people used to think that. I just thought those people were all dead already. Lucky me, I found one who is still alive, although her life was NEARLY cut short on Wednesday.

I can see the headlines now: "Pregnant Kindergarten Teacher Attacks Senior Citizen, turn to page 2A."

This charming co-worker of mine, as we walked out of a meeting on Wednesday, found it appropriate to comment on my size and wardrobe. The conversation went something like this:
Her: Wow, girl, you need to get some bigger shirts!
Me: This IS a bigger shirt.
Her: I mean some MATERNITY shirts!
Me: (growing agitated) This IS a maternity shirt. Wow, you really know how to raise a gal's self esteem!
Her: Well, I know you can't really tell from your perspective, but from here it's not pretty.
Me: (growling) I think you should stop talking now.
Her: Oh, I don't mean anything by it! Bye now!

Luckily for me there was an actual witness to this discussion, who promptly FELL into my classroom door laughing hysterically because she knew how mortified I was and how very close I had come to ripping that lady a new one. Usually when things like this happen to me there is no witness, so I was relieved that she had actually heard the exchange and that she also thought this woman's comments were WAY out of line.

I know I'm not getting any smaller here. I know people used to wear muu-muus to hide their bellies. Guess what? They don't anymore. Maternity clothes are more form fitting these days. For christ's sake, it was a knit henley from Old Navy Maternity, size medium. Not a tube top or something.

The best part of the story is that now whenever I am in a room with the rest of my team and the offender happens to walk in, they all start complimenting me on my wardrobe just to watch her squirm. They rule.

Another reason I am thinking that these babies make me look fat is because of the kids in my class. You know 5-year-olds, the filter is just not quite fully developed, and for that I absolutely adore them. One major work challenge as my girth has expanded has been tying the kids shoes, which I seem to spend approximately 3.5 hours a day doing. Truthfully, tying my OWN shoes is quite a feat anymore. Lately at school, I have resorted to asking my kids to put their foot up on a chair so I can tie their shoe. While I was groaning trying to tie this kid's shoe over my belly he looked right at me and in a very concerned voice said, "You know, Mrs. Fontana, junk food? Um, it can make you gain weight." Thank you dear. Thank you so much. Because that is all this is, 20 lbs of Cheetos. Now, thanks to your little public service announcement, I have seen the light and will be back to tying shoes on the floor in no time.

Finally, on the expanding waistline subject, this. I know this day has been coming for a long time, and it has arrived. I can no longer see my pubes. I am very sorry, dear readers, that you have to hear this, particularly if you are related to me, but there it is. Pube maintenance has become a completely blind endeavor the past couple of weeks, and from the feedback I have received from Dearest, the outcome is not pretty. But what am I supposed to do? Just let it go? I don't really want a wild pube jungle occurring, I'm pretty much anti-pube normally, and I really can't see lettin' 'em grow free when medical professionals are in that vicinity so often. What can I do? Hand grooming over to Dearest? Go to the nice little vietnamese ladies and let them wax the whole thing? Help me out here people, I am not going to see my pubes until SPRING!!!

I knew pregnant people got bigger, but I had no idea the many complexities that went along with the larger waist line. These are not things people tell you. I'm starting to see why.


gd said...

Some might say to this post "Um, TMI Lindsay." To them I say "No, it's refreshingly honest, and also, quit using net lingo from ten minutes ago THX LOL."

Sarah went a-waxing and she said it hurt like a mother. But that's the only option I can see here...unless you want to just trim, because I have an expanded waistline due to...stagnancy? Kit Kats? Anyway, not babies, and trimming is really all I can bother with.

Also, the ladies don't have to take it ALL away from you.

LilBear said...

OMG I H8 old net lingo LMFAO.

I have considered resorting to just the trim option, it would be a big transition from pube-less to trimmed, but like I said, something has to give.

Does it seem "inappropriate" for a pregnant lady to get waxed? I swear I'm not doing it because I want to wear a brazilian cut bikini or something. But does it seem... trashy? Slutty? I just don't want the little vietnamese ladies to judge me.