A Courtesy Message to the Citizens of Iowa: Avert Your Eyes

Yes, lovely people of Iowa, as you may have heard, the troops and I will be arriving Monday. And by troops, I mean my tits. My kids are breastfed. I am not ashamed of this in the least, in fact, I’m actually pretty proud of it. I am not an exhibitionist by any means, but at the same time it is just not very practical for me to go into hiding every time one of the babies needs to eat… I would spend an awful lot of time in isolation in order to protect others from a possible boob glimpse, and that just ain’t cool. Sometimes I will step out, but more likely than not it’s because the baby is being distracted by what is going on around me, not because I personally have a desire to. When they were tiny lil newborns, I could sneak one under a little blankie on my shoulder and you would never know what was even going on under there. That, my darling friends in the Hawkeye State, has changed. The kids are now highly interactive, and as such they are very interested in providing me, and anyone within earshot, of a running commentary of how their meal is going. They will pull their heads back to give a great big grin, or Livi in particular will let go in order to really savor her beverage: like a fine wine, she will swirl it around in her mouth, smack her lips together, and make faces as if to say, “Mom, did you eat something with garlic in it last night? Hm, I enjoy something in a 2009 Holstein. Excellent vintage.” Sometimes I ignore them, sometimes I respond to their coos or complaints, but regardless, let’s be honest, there is my nipple. There it is. And of course you want to look at the baby, because, face it, they are very cute babies. But you are torn. Nipple. Baby. What else is there to look at? Some people are desperately looking around trying to find something else to focus on, gazing out the window at the pool, watching the muted TV with feigned interest. Sorry, peeps, I’m on to you. Not that I want you to necessarily stare at my boob, just that I am not really thinking of it as a naughty bit while it’s nourishing my kid. I try to cover myself when practical, but the babies tend to pull whatever drape I put on right off (Who can blame them? It’s hot in there! And boring!). So the truth is this. I’m coming to Iowa. With my kids. And my ta-tas. And I really don’t want to make you uncomfortable. But chances are I am going to. (And did you know that in Iowa breastfeeding mothers are exempt from Jury Duty? Sweet!)