I know. Don't even THINK it. It's too early to pee on a stick. Well, not for me it's not. I got a strong + with the girls at 5dp5dt, an unmistakable +, a GO BUY A MINI VAN RIGHT NOW +.
So this morning, I peed on a stick. And got nothing. No glimmer of a hint of a squinter of a second line. Just zero. Polar bear in a snowstorm WHITE.
I spent my time getting ready this morning feeling very sorry for myself, playing over in my mind what it would have been like telling the girls that they were going to be big sisters, thinking about how close it is to THE VERY END of any chance of baby making for us, and grumping because I was a very good pregnant person indeed, and if anyone should be allowed to be pregnant again and should be issued an invitation to the Pleasant Pregnant People Hall of Fame it is ME. (It is I?) (Genny, help a sistah out.)
But then it was time to wake the girls for school, and I remembered how insanely lucky I am, how I should never take one second of motherhood for granted, because just like this cycle, things could have gone either way 5 years ago, but they are here and they are beautiful and smart and funny and sensitive and they need me more than they need anything else, including another sibling. So I breathed them in and I enjoyed our morning together, and appreciated it in a way I don't always appreciate being with my daughters.
Then I took them to school, and I got a little sad again, so I went to WalMart because sometimes when I need to feel better than everyone else that's a good place to go.
So while I won't say we have NO horse in the race this cycle, I will say if we do it is a VERY SLOW FLIPPING HORSE. I'll probably test again in a few days, but I can't say that optimism is super high.
Anyway, back off to Google "Positive beta after negative 5dp5dt" again for like the 10th time. Whatever helps, right?